Friday, June 15, 2018

Back to Blogging - My year of Shame, Self-Doubt & Transition

My last blog post was on July 14th, 2017, which makes this almost an entire year without blogging. Just writing that forces me to let out a long, aggressive sigh. I've been writing my blog for almost ten years now (!!) and this is the longest break in blogging I've ever had in that time.

I'll admit, I feel a sense of shame having not blogged in such a long time, but truthfully, shame was one of the predominant reasons why I stopped blogging in the first place. At first I just kept finding excuses not to blog. Just a few months prior to my blogging hiatus, I had accepted a new role at the company that I was working for, and was determined to excel at it. I kept using this new (very part-time position) as an excuse for not blogging. Every time the thought occurred to me to write again, it felt like there were so many other "things" that I had to prioritize, and taking the time for myself to write again just kept getting pushed farther and farther down my to-do list. First were the excuses, then came the shame, and with those two negative forces working together as a unit, it wasn't easy to rise above it and block out my head to listen to my heart.
Why the shame, you ask? *I exhale another long, aggressive sigh* I was ashamed of the almost ten years of blogging without reaching my goal. Instead of looking at my most recent work and feeling proud of it, I kept looking at all of my almost ten years of work combined, and felt so ashamed of the early yellow and grainy photos, the long and rambling self-indulgent posts (which this just may be as well!), the lack of design in terms of the layout and look of my blog, the past embarrassing and sometimes even offensive things I have written, and so much more. It felt overwhelming. I wanted to overhaul everything and start fresh, but I didn't know where to begin, who to ask for help, and if this was even worth my time anymore. The more time that went by without a blog post, the harder it became to jump back in, or even dip a toe in.

I also mentioned that I was ashamed of not reaching my goal after all this time. Even just saying my goal aloud made the wave of shame envelope me, because I was worried it would sound stupid or egotistical to other people. My goal was to have my own food show. I know you might be chuckling over the audacity of me having that as a goal, or maybe that's just my shame kicking in once again, but I feel deep down that it's my calling and will lead me to a larger purpose in life. Chuckle away! I'm ready to say it aloud with conviction! This is what I want, and this is what I feel I am on the path for deep down in my gut.
Despite me feeling like I've failed by not having reached my goal yet, I've come to realize (thanks to the help of an awesome psychotherapist) that I actually have reached some pretty incredible goals and milestones that I should be proud of. Guess what, folks? You can have more than one goal at a time! Just because you haven't reached one goal, doesn't mean you haven't accomplished others! Getting the job that I previously mentioned as my excuse for not blogging was a major accomplishment for me, among many others. For years I've been searching for "my people", the people who have the same interests, thoughts, beliefs, and passions as me, and who who I felt I could work with as a true collaborative team. It's in my current job that I am so grateful to have found those people, the people who I now know as my work family.

No, I don't have a perfect job. I'm always seeking out additional opportunities that will allow me to grow and reach my many other goals, but I really do love my job, and I absolutely adore the outstanding group of passionate, talented, smart, kind, generous, encouraging, and hilarious women I get to do it with. You know who you are, and I admire you all more than I could ever express.

So here I am again, almost one year later. Here I am writing again, being vulnerable again, and writing another very long and self-indulgent post once again. I'm back in the water, wading in the shallow end, and getting up the courage to walk further into the deep end. I'll get there, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not being there yet. I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished, and am ready to kick shame to the curb. Easier said than done, I know it'll take a lot of time and effort, but I really do want to get there and I know that this is step one in that journey.

The above Images were created in collaboration with Registered Dietitian and one of my Dish Cooking Studio team members, Olivia Cupido. 

Listening To:
Lykke Li - Last Piece